On Liberation

I don't know!

Shout it from the rooftops!!! Try it!

On Buying Drugs

Calling drug dealers is the most awkward thing ever. I wish I was back in high school when I could just ask my friend at lunch to ask her boyfriend to meet us after school with a couple of dubs.

On Ambiguous Anal Expulsions

You know when you feel like you're going to fart, but then you think "Wait... that could be poop" and then you take a chance and let it out and, to your relief, it was a fart? I just had that happen, except it wasn't a fart.

Unstoppable Force vs Immovable Object

This famous paradox becomes much simpler and less paradoxical if you just judge the velocity of each object by relating them to different points in space.

On the Unsuitability of Mullets for All but a Select Few

The only person for whom a mullet works better than normal fucking hair is Brock Samson.

On Religion

Once a year I make a pilgrimage to Disneyland, drop acid, and talk to the characters. They are my gods, though they probably don't know it. None of their advice has yet steered me wrong.

Today I cleaned the kitchen out of spite.